Last year when I got home for the holidays, I remember that I couldn't get my heart rate to slow down to a normal rate for about 48 hours, and driving to CVS to buy niacin, a magnesium and Tumeric supplements, and then megadosing them (which actually did help).
I don't feel like that this year, I don't feel anything like the intense instability and material insecurity I felt this time last year, but I do feel emptied out, like I've poured out all of my energy, like I've poured so much of myself into the world, like I've been public, and like I don't know what my private self is, or should do, or should feel; I feel like my private self has disintegrated.
My inner life is like an old friend who gets in touch less and less.
I'm always thrown off when memories or persons from my mid-20s (which was the mid-2010s), re-enter my life—a time when my own choices are largely incomprehensible to me now.
I sometimes feel like my life has passed through dialectical phases of good and bad, strong and weak, authentic and false.
When I was 10, I was good, when I was 14 I was false, when I was 21 I was poetic, when